The sickest part is,

I’m doing things I hate myself for.

I see you trying to do the same shit and it kills me.

I need to learn to stop caring about you.

But how do I stop caring for someone who I didn’t mean to care for in the first place?

You’ve got my heart in the palm of your careless fucking hand.

I know you can see it.

Feel it pounding the way it did in my chest every time I was around you.

Maybe it’s stopped though.

Has the beating subsided? Has it just become a cold lifeless lump of clay in your hand?

Still yours to be molded and manipulated as you wish.

But don’t worry, when I carve yours out of your fucking chest,

 You’ll remember all the fucked up things you’ve ever said or done.

Every lie you ever told me.

Every time you ever blew me off.

You’ll be my number one priority for the last time.

I’m running through my own head trying to figure things out. I love him I do, but I don’t need him. I want someone else. There is someone else. He can’t see me though. I’m invisible until we’re hiding somewhere ashamed of what I let him do. But I enjoy it enough to let it happen again. I’m not attention starved, I’m starved for affection. Love is not what I’m after, It’s too easy to be loved. sincerity and honesty would be nice though, that’s really hard to find.. *sigh*

I sat with my ex on these step things outside school.

Doesn’t seem THAT bad right?

It is. He’s THE ex.

So why did it feel so nice?

To feel his warmth.. I’m pretty sure it isn’t just because it was a little chilly this morning.

He kept trying to kiss me.

Thank God for flaking nail polish to pick at.

Despite how much I can shit talk him.. It’s still hard to think back and ask myself what the fuck went wrong.

I remember all the time we spent together. Of course, my mother was opposed to it acting as though i was dating some thirty year old man and not an eighteen year old boy.

I know he’s only writing my essay for me because he loves me. He even said he loved me.

No, I didn’t say it back. It almost came out though.

Old habits die hard.

At least I hope it was just out of habit.

Who am I trying to kid? I know how I feel about him.

Sure not the smartest thing but hey, at least I know where I stand.

It’s tearing me up inside but what am I supposed to do? Go confess my undying love to every boy I have feelings for?

There aren’t THAT many. Just three.

One,

THE ex.

Two,

The almost-boyfriend.

Three,

The best friend everyone thought would end up with me in high school but never did.

That’s pretty legit right?

I need to go for some Rayne time…

Why I’m so unhappy.

whether or not this is considered an actual relationship.

why am i in love with one of my best friends.

why i’m here when i could be out with my wife.

if he really means any of the things he says.

why it all hurts so much.

why the world is broken.

And I have the answers to nothing…

I need a new picture on here. My hair has gone through…. At least five other colors since my current one was taken and at least three different hairstyles. It was nice though because the night this picture was taken I went to homecoming with my best guy friend and it was the best school dance ever… Hmm….

Very true cuz… very true…

faaaithmarie:

So did anyone stop to think that our lovers didn’t leave to hurt us they were simply doing what they needed to do to make themselves happy?

And therefore we are hypocrites in our sadness?

I’m going to post my photos of where I’m marked and prepared for an autopsy soon. No, I’m not going to censor anything. Deal with it.